Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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