when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize