This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize