Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
