your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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