i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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