My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
