i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
