Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
