beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
