I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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