i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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