from now on my penis is your penis
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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