Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
