Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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