i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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