Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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