He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
