Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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