I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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