She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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