Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
