Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Randomize
