i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I AM VODKA MAN
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
