happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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