so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
