I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
