That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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