My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
