I murdered the dance floor call the cops
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
