i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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