Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
