I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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