someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
