if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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