You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
