Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
