So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
