Your face is a jimmy john
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
