She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
