My underwear smells like fireworks.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
