She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
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