Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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