Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
