Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
