I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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