I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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