this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
