On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
