I wish I could teleport
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
