Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ugly people sure do ruin things
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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