I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
