Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
