I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize