But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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