The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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