I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
