i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
how drunk are you?
Several
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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