You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
